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Hello!

It's fair to say that it's been a while -a long while- since I last posted on this blog. And after this, I won't be posting again. When I wrote in this blog (while I was 13-14 years old) I made the mistake of assuming people read it. Now with the benefit of a bit more knowledge about the real world than I had at the time, I know they don't and never did. So this post, really, is to somewhat allay my conscience about the things I wrote in this blog and to take stock of my life as it's changed since 2009-10.

Now I'm 16 (17 in two weeks time) and so much has changed for me since I started writing here. And I'm extremely embarrassed by the things I wrote once upon a time. Honestly, there are things I've written about that I can't even remember happening, much less remember writing about. It's been interesting to see myself as a younger person, at least, if very uncomfortable at times.

Firstly, I want to apologise for the slut-shaming I wrote in this in the past. Since I stopped posting here, I've got very much into feminism and rest assured, I would never call anyone a slut or a whore now. I could write a whole rant about the sexual double standard but that's not what I came here to do. I am really sorry. This is the thing I cringed at the most when looking back through my thirteen-year-old self's posts.

There are two things that anyone who ever read this before would be surprised to know about me now.

The first thing is, I am no longer a Twilight fan. I know. I really, really did think at the time that I would love Twilight passionately for the rest of my life, honestly, I did. In some ways, I'll always have a place for it in my heart because it's the fandom that got me into fandom and I'll always have a huge amount of respect for the actors (especially Rob and Kristen! I really will defend them till I die!) but I am no longer a fan of the series itself. I have not seen the Breaking Dawn films, and I don't want to. I don't want to watch any of the films again or reread the books. As I mentioned, I'm a feminist now and I have to acknowledge the shit-ton of problematic aspects of Twilight. I used to think Bella was such a strong female character but I know now that she isn't--as much as it pained me at first to go against a character I once loved. Some of the things in Twilight are really toxic and misogynist and to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't want my daughters to read them because I worry about what young girls internalise from it. I realise this is a 180 degree turn from a great deal of my posts, but I did say a lot has changed for me!

The second thing is, I have no feelings for the boy I once called WF. There was a bit of drama between us in the autumn of 2010 (which, if I was 13, I would tell you everything about but I'm not so I won't) which led to the worst week of my life thus far and us not talking for about four months. During that time, I grew up. I got over him once and for all. And so, when he apologised and we made friends again, I could be proper friends with him rather than the toxic, unhealthy relationship we'd developed where I idolised him and put him on a pedestal he couldn't possibly live up to. After all that fuzzy stuff, we actually became closer friends than we'd ever been before and it was a great friendship. He came out as gay in summer 2011 and I felt nothing but happiness for him. He moved to a different school last September and we haven't spoken in a while but I'd like to think we're still good friends. Things with him were really a formative experience for me; I'd never really felt that intensely about someone before and I made mistakes with it, which were tough to take and caused me a lot of pain. I've learnt from it and am better for it. I'm glad autumn 2010 happened though, as painful as it was at the time. It was necessary.

I looked through my posts this afternoon and saw me talk about the prospect of my GCSEs that were looming on the horizon at the time. I also saw myself talking about doing history, IT and drama for my options. Now, aged 16 in 2013, my GCSEs are over and done with! I ended up doing history, geography and drama in the end and my final results was one A* grade (in history), seven A grades and two B grades. Since I stopped writing here before I started them, suffice to say I worked really hard for them and am very proud of myself for my results. I'm now studying for my A Levels, which is shocking seeing as the last time I posted here I'd hardly chosen GCSE options, and I'm doing history, English and law. I want to go to university to study history and politics. I don't think I even knew what I wanted to do at university when I was writing in this, which is kind of a testament to what's changed since.

I'm smarter than the person who used to write in this blog, both in terms of awareness and emotions. I think that's the most important thing that's changed. I won't be writing in this again; as I said, this post is mainly about taking stock of my life and acknowledging what happened to me before now.

Jul. 4th, 2010

It only takes four simple words to shatter a heart. "Is in a relationship."

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Hey guys,

A couple of things to tell you about today.
First school, I had my Humanities exam on Tuesday. It went well, actually, I felt like I knew most of what was going on in the paper, and it was easier than I thought it would be, I answered every question to the best of my ability so what happens next remains to be seen. I have the second paper this Tuesday coming but it should be easier because most of the work in it is just common sense.
I did and am doing a TONNE of revision for this exam (which I'll tell you more about in a minute!) and I think it really did pay off, I came out on Tuesday feeling like I'd done well, so maybe I did :) I really want an A or an A* to be honest, I keep telling myself that a B is still a pass, but I know I'll be disappointed with anything under an A. Silly, but true.
Even though, if I get an A or A*, my parents won't be that interested, I know, mainly because my sister will be getting her GCSE results on the same day, so they'll be talking about that; but also because they're not really interested in my life at all, they can always count on me for the good marks in everything so they don't take a interest in it, if I was bad they'd notice, but no, because I'm always good they have no interest.

Anyway, the revision for Humanities went really well, all because of one person. WF. We revised together almost every night. Alone. In a classroom. I was pretty happy with it, as you can imagine. I found out a lot about him, and I love him for it.

I got braces put on monday, which I have to keep on for 18 months but it'll be worth it when I have beautiful teeth! I hope...

Eclipse tickets go on UK sale tonight! I'm staying on till midnight to try and get an advance screening ticket, I really hope I do!

That's about it for tonight, wish me luck in buying Eclipse tickets and my last exam (till year ten and eleven!)
Kate xx

May. 7th, 2010

Hey guys,
well, a couple of things to tell you about today. First off, the one that takes the least of my energy to explain, school.
I got my GCSE Humanities coursework grade back the other day. I got 48/60, which I'm reliably informed is an A, I actually got the highest in my year which I quite proud of. Well, I've actually worked out the figures and since there are two papers I have to take, taking off the marks I got for the coursework, I need 84/90 AT LEAST to get a A*. So not much room for error then, GREAT! Anyway, I'm basically just revising like crazy now because the first exam is on the 18th of this month, I should, truthfully, be revising right now....
I'm actually really nervous, none of this exams thing seemed real until the last few weeks, when my teachers started talking about revision and the like, now it's far TOO real for my liking.

Well, next thing, I'm gonna tell you about a tiny misjudgment on my part today. See, in drama (which I had this morning) you have to take your shoes and bags off and put them on the piled up desks by the door to the drama studio, well I put my bag and stuff there, and, at the end of the lesson, I went to go and get them and couldn't find my blazer anywhere, so naturally I tell the teacher and she stops everyone from going in case someone's picked it up by mistake, no one had so we go. I'm not really bothered, nothing was in it, I just wanted it back because you get told off for not having a blazer on you at our school, but my drama teacher tells a senior management teacher (who's also one of my Humanities teachers) that I've lost it, and he says he'll look in lost property and ask around about it, just after I talk to him, I realize there may be a small possibility I left it at home earlier in the morning. Yep, you guessed it. I get home and there it is, brazen as anything, sunning itself on the end of the banister. And the teachers still don't know. Stupid, dozy, scatter brained me.
That's the height of drama in my life :)

Right, now, the issue I talk about the most often on here, mainly because I don't have anywhere else to put my rants. WF. He's is SO leading me on, whether he's aware of it or not (which I'm guessing he's not, he seems to be more or less oblivious to all matters concerning my feelings for him, even though he knows about them) he makes me think he likes me then tears it down in my face. Whether he's aware of it or not. I started to write a song about him the other day in music, he didn't know it was about him, and wanted to see it, not surprisingly I said no.
Sometimes I think he only talks to me because a) he feels sorry for me, and/or b) I help him with pretty much EVERYTHING. Not that I'm complaining of course. If it's the only reason he talks to me then I'm bloody glad he does. He makes me happy.

Well, as I said last time, I am a closet politics freak. And yesterday was the General Election. And we're in a hung parliament (no clear majority.) I wanted Lib Dems and Nick Clegg to do well but they really didn't, I think they've actually lost seats. But now the Cleggmaestro is the king maker of the two other parties (Labour, and Tories) basically the Simon Cowell of the election; he has the deciding vote of who he sides with and forms either a deal or coalition with, and, predictably, BOTH the other parties are trying to suck up to him now, it's all "Nick and I", "I and Nick", "Me and my sexy homeboy Nick." Okay, so maybe not the last one. But you get the idea.

That's it for now. Have a good day!

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Hey.

Well here I am again, writing in this thing. It seems I haven't posted since Feb 2nd. I better update you on what been happening since.

First and foremost, the most important person in my life, you may remember. WF. I can't say there's been much development there, I wish there was, but no. Well, we're definately closer, as friends I mean, and we talk often, we have a laugh and I'd like to think we're good friends now. He comes to me when he has a problem with his school work or GCSE options (which I'll explain later) and I'm more than happy to help him.
There is only one minute problem with our relationship at the moment. The tiny weeny insignificant fact that I'm in love with him. Still.
I can't quite explain the feeling properly, sometimes I don't understand it myself, but it's like, I need him so much more than he knows. He is the only one who can lift out of depression sometimes, he can literally control my emotions without realizing it, he has so much power over me.
You may remember I told you about a girl I think he likes, let's call her BZ. Well, they fell out a while ago, and there back friends again now but I don't think there anywhere near as close as they were before, which is good for me anyhow.
Hmm. Looking back over this last passage I realize how pathetic I am.

Anyway, next thing that's quite important in my life, school.
Well, this week and next we're choosing GCSE options. Which is basically some of what we study next year. I'm probably going to choose History, Drama, and IT. All of which I've been told are really hard ones to pass, so I'm going to have a difficult couple of years ahead, but it'll be worth it in the end, I really want to do well in them, I know everyone does but with me it's different. I feel like these are my only way out, my only escape, and if I don't do well in them I'll never get out of her and I'll be stuck with the people I hate for the rest of my life, being the one everyone laughs at for the rest of my life, always the one who has to go along with what everyone else wants instead of what I want.

More on school, I've got a Humanities exam coming up next month which I'm stressing about. I really hope I get an A* and because I've kept thinking about getting an one I'm going to be so disappointed when I don't get one which is kind of s**t.

What's happening now? The general election is next week. I have to say I am a closet politics freak, I'm actually really interested in it but I don't wanna say that to anyone! Sad, isn't it?

That's it for now, I'm post again when I can.
Kate

Feb. 2nd, 2010

Hey,

Sorry for the lack of updates, been busy with homework, and school.

Things are normal between WF and I, no awkwardness or anything, which, as I've said, is good and bad. Good because it means I don't lose his friendship, bad because I really am starting to think it was all a elaborate dream.
He said he liked me more than anyone in our food tech class today, to be fair the food tech class only has about 11 in it, but some of them are quite close mates with him, so if he likes me more than them that's good.

The new series of Survivors is AWESOME! I love it, completely! Tom and Anya FTW!

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Jan. 27th, 2010

Hey,
Me and WF are back to pre-christmas normality. Official. Neither of us have mentioned 'it' since then, and I'm starting to think it was a dream. In some ways I'm glad we're back to normal, I couldn't stand not having him in my life, I need him, much much much more than he will ever know, or understand. But in other ways I wish he'd mention it, just so I can talk to him about it.

I'm almost sure he likes someone else, his eyes follow her across a room, and as I watch, I'm thinking "why can't that be me?"
Sometimes he literally sees straight through me, I've lost count of the times I've smiled at him and he's looked right past me, and it hurts. More than it should.

Today the news comes that a girl I know has lost her virginity. She's such a slut! She does things like that at FOURTEEN then spreads it around the year that she has been doing it! She's proud of it! Slut! I think she should know that the Suffragettes did not burn their bras to get women the vote so she could go around acting like a whore!
I really am starting to worry about the people in my year.

That's all for now,
Kate.

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Jan. 20th, 2010

Hey,
Me and WF are back to pre-christmas normality. Official. Neither of us have mentioned 'it' since then, and I'm starting to think it was a dream. In some ways I'm glad we're back to normal, I couldn't stand not having him in my life, I need him, much much much more than he will ever know, or understand. But in other ways I wish he'd mention it, just so I can talk to him about it.

I'm almost sure he likes someone else, his eyes follow her across a room, and as I watch, I'm thinking "why can't that be me?"
Sometimes he literally sees straight through me, I've lost count of the times I've smiled at him and he's looked right past me, and it hurts. More than it should.

That's all for now,
Kate.

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We were back at school today, which is kinda crap, but still, that's life I suppose.

And that's not the only thing that's gone back to normal. Me and WF are sort of too.
He said hi and asked if I was okay and gave me that toothy grin he knows I love. That's what he would have done normally, normal being before my confession. So anyway, I think we're okay, tomorrow I sit next to him in food tech, so I'll soon find out for sure.

That's it for now,
Kate fx

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Jan. 10th, 2010

Hey LJ

We've been off school all week because of the snow, and it doesn't show any signs of receding just yet, maybe we'll get more days off.

Survivors is on TV this Tuesday, and I can't wait! I love Tom and Anya's relationship in it, and I can't wait how it develops in this series.

Still nothing on the WF front. Because I haven't been in school, I haven't talked to him since Christmas day on Facebook which doesn't really count as talking, I suppose. But when I go into to school (whenever that is!) I am going to talk to him, not about what happened, unless he brings it up, just to get past the awkwardness.

I read and finished The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks today, it's a good book.

That's it for now
Kate xx

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